marcato | (no subject)

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, SATURNSCHILD. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 001.00.653.90 * SATURNSCHILD has joined 001.00.653.90 <saturnschild> Hello. <saturnschild>** I'm listening.

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Immortality is a funny thing. Have you ever thought about infinity? What that truly looks like? There is a finish line there that by the very nature of existence it is impossible to cross.

I want to know if she can get me over that line. I don't want to simply exist forever. I want to overcome existence.

[Even after all his time in Ryslig he hasn't given up on this. He still believes deep in his core that existence as it is is unfair. It's not wrong to want something better. If a system is inadequate, you tear it down. Right?]

She's the God of this world, John. She can overcome anything.

Or She will, anyway. Once She recovers the stolen power from the Fourth.

[He pauses. Then:]

I'm fond of existence, myself. The alternative sounds too lonely.

You're not the first person to say that. I don't understand the issue. Other people? Companionship, friendship, love? They're all such small things.

[Without Merle, without Ibuki, without any of the people who've slowly started to chip away at his walls... well, they've built back up again. It's worse now because in this body that experiences time differently and has more capability for emotions he does feel loneliness. He misses that interaction, strange as it was. And he doesn't really know how to reconcile that with the philosophy he dedicated everything in himself to for so long. It's inconvenient. So he's doubling down twice as hard.]

They're just what people use as a pale imitation for actual relevance.

Have you ever watched someone's face as they try to make sense of something? How their eyes flicker between confusion and understanding, how their jaw settles into a crooked line? Have you watched someone accept their death, only to change their mind and choose to fight it instead? Have you ever seen someone fall in love?

People are beautiful, intoxicating creatures, John. They're not a pale imitation of anything.

I've always been more of a big picture sort of man. Individual beings have never meant much to me.

[And Aunamee, who saw into him in Felfri, is probably the only person who might know enough about him to call him on that. It's something he is banking on not being an issue because he doesn't want it to be an issue.]

Except insofar as I believe every living being has a right to expect more from existence than they're likely to get.

Really, John? Never?

I thought you knew it was pointless to lie to me.

[Okay. So it's going to be an issue. With the knowing everything about him already. John has never actually been known like that, not for as long as he's lived, so it's a little difficult to wrap his head around.]

One exception doesn't disprove a rule.

No. But it does cast your "never" in a curious light.

Are you upset that I'm bringing this up?

[hghghGHGHHH]

Yes.

[He has enough access to his own emotions, particularly the negative ones thanks to being a Troll, to recognize that. Merle's presence in his life was a big anomaly that raised questions about his beliefs he doesn't want to have to address, and it's as frustrating to be confronted with that as it is saddening to be reminded of losing the closest thing he ever had to a friend. He made the choice to knowingly put himself in the line of fire to get Merle information he needed to take down the all-consuming force John himself created. He doesn't like to admit that might kind of say something about how much he cared about Merle Highchurch.]

He doesn't exist here. So it doesn't matter. It's neater that way.

I enjoy keeping things neat as well.

Here's my proposition, John. We won't talk about him anymore -- provided you don't lie to me. Is that fair?

Fair enough.

[He's never been much of a liar anyway. With Merle he was always genuine. This is one of the few things he's ever technically lied about, though in fairness to him he wasn't interested in Merle because Merle was a mortal creature.]

Then I'll be honest and tell you that I don't particularly like you knowing every little thing about me. Just so you know where we stand on that.

I know.

Don't worry; I'll use the information sparingly. m

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